We are no strangers to moving away. As nomads, we move often. But before we took to exploring this big exciting world, we took a giant leap in the direction of adventure by moving away from our hometown and starting over across the country.
I’d love to say it was a hard decision to leave and we spent a lot of time weighing the pros and cons. But that isn’t even close to the truth. I never planned to stay in that city I was born in.
Ever since I can remember, I was plotting my escape. And when I met my husband and he had the same distaste for living in Florida as I did, we knew it was only a matter of time before we packed up and set off to find a place that felt like home for us.
At first, that was Colorado for five years. Then it was this nomadic lifestyle that strangely feels more like home than anything we’ve experienced before.
As we move again and again, then return to places we once called home just to leave again, we are constantly in the process of making, maintaining, and letting go of relationships. And we have learned so much along the way that we think is important to share.
Because so many people stay put out of fear or guilt created by the people who are supposed to love them most. And that breaks our heart. Love shouldn’t feel like a weight holding you down. It should uplift you and fill you with joy.
1. Being afraid of losing someone (& projecting that on them with guilt) is NOT an act of love
You are afraid of losing someone BECAUSE you love them, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I don’t believe that constantly inflicting your worries on someone about their safety or well-being is a healthy way to show you love them. It just feels suffocating and will probably drive them away or – worse – make them stay and resent you for it.
A few years ago, I wrote an article about ‘Why You’re Not Selfish for Moving Away.’ It was really just a way to sort through some strong emotions of guilt I was having for missing out on important parts of my loved ones’ lives. I’m still surprised at the constant notes and comments I receive thanking me for writing that or asking for my advice.
It turns out, so many people feel stuck in a place they don’t feel like they belong out of guilt or fears that have been forced on them. And that’s complete crap. Because I know for a fact that the people who love me the most would never want me to feel that way.
For a long time, I thought being the one who wanted to leave made me a little bit of a jerk. I can’t stand my hometown and that upsets the people I love who like where they live. I get that. But I know now, that it doesn’t make me wrong for feeling the way I do either. And, while all circumstances are different (for example, we don’t condone moving away to shirk a parental responsibility, etc.),
Admittedly, neither of us have a very tight-knit family. We both have divorced parents and our families are very disjointed. We also had a lot of support from our loved ones – despite being pretty much the only ones to move far away. But, a lot of people seem to get a ton of pushback when moving. And I just refuse to believe that trying to prevent someone from seeking out the things in this life that light up their soul is done out of love. It is based on fear and fear alone.
I strongly believe you don’t fear for someone like that out of love for them. That is out of the love for your own comfort. Losing them or losing your close relationship with them would hurt you and that’s scary. Love is being willing to sacrifice that comfort because you know the person who has your affection would be better off for it. Realizing that makes us appreciate the people in our life who support us despite their own emotions or worries even more.
2. You can have roots without becoming a tree
A close friend of mine has a phrase I love. It goes something like, “If you don’t like where you’ve been planted, then move. You are not a tree!” It’s actually something her mom used to say to her. And since she’s a fellow nomad, she definitely took that to heart. What a beautiful gift to tell your child they are encouraged to move into a place that suits them better. If only all families were like that.
We’ve never had a hard time moving away. But a lot of people feel like you can lose your family identity if you aren’t close. The truth is, you absolutely can. Sometimes, when you move away, you have the opportunity to grow into yourself and experience new ways of life. Often, this can create issues with loved ones if your opinions and values change from what you were raised to believe.
However, if you are able to have an open dialogue with the people most important to you, changed views can also lead to amazing opportunities to really connect and have great conversations. And, while you may choose a different path, you can still appreciate why your family and friends have chosen theirs. You don’t have to be the same to love someone.
It is completely possible to appreciate where you came from and remain emotionally connected to those ‘roots’ without letting it keep you from moving away to start your own unique life.
A perfect example of holding onto your roots in a healthy way
On the island of Molokai in Hawaii, we met a cultural practitioner named Greg who took us on an unforgettable tour of his property and shared some fantastic insights into ‘Old Hawaii’ and their unique cultural traditions. Something I found very interesting is that Greg was chosen as the cultural practitioner for his family at five. He knew growing up that at some point he would be responsible for sharing the history of Hawaii on the small island of Molokai.
But, as a young adult, he was encouraged to leave – to move away and build a life of his own. He worked and traveled elsewhere. He even got involved with Cirque du Soleil, got married, had children of his own, etc. And he has now happily returned to take on the honor of his responsibility (while still maintaining his role as a husband and father, of course).
It didn’t seem at all like something he was chained to and forced into. His role (and the break he got because of it) was a gift that he accepted and, therefore, thrives in. If you love someone, set them free… If they come back, you’ll all be better for it.
3. Missing someone is much better than resenting them
I feel like at some point, most children have heard their parents say ‘I did allll of this for you.’ They feel the need to remind you of all the sacrifices they’ve made to be your parent. Usually, they remind you of this during those ungrateful teenage years because even though they made those sacrifices out of love, part of them resents you for not appreciating it.
But the problem is, you didn’t ask for them to do those things. You didn’t make some kind of agreement to be a perfect child because they did them. So it’s hard for both parties to not just end up super frustrated. And I think it is similar if you remain somewhere you don’t want to be out of guilt.
If we had stayed in our hometown because of all the people who were upset when we announced we were moving away, I know we would have eventually resented them. After a few years of rescheduled dinners or not seeing them for months at a time due to busy schedules, we’d have that phrase play through our head. ‘I did this for you!’ Of course, followed by ‘And you don’t even appreciate it.’
I didn’t want to feel that way about the people I love. It was unfair to put that kind of pressure on them to be the thing that was worth sacrificing our dreams and happiness for.
Sometimes it is really hard to miss our people or to know how much they miss us. But, missing them is just a reminder that we fiercely love them. When we go back or they visit, we soak up every moment with them and cherish it rather than always wondering if our life would be different had we not stayed for them. (Which is always such an unfair comparison and a recipe for ruined relationships).
Choosing to chase our own life has benefited our relationships much more than staying ever would have. And it has brought some amazing, life-changing people into our life through the process.
4. You can still show up for people without living close by
The funny thing is, as much as moving away may feel like leaving behind the people you love there, it is actually an amazing opportunity to really solidify relationships with loved ones. It is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it won’t happen for everyone in your life. And that’s okay, too. Frankly, some people are only meant to be in your life for a season.
As mentioned, we’re pros at moving away. There are the beloved people we grew up with in Florida. The very close family of friends we made during our five years in Colorado. Dear friends we met in the RVing community. Plus, the lovely people we have had the privilege of meeting through housesitting.
And while all of them have a place in our hearts, they won’t always have a place in our life. We’re okay with that. Because forcing it has never worked out for us in the past.
There have been friends we’ve lost touch with – some on purpose and some just with time. And some people, who we didn’t consider as very close friends, who we’ve actually become closer with because we realized how much we missed them after leaving. I’m not saying everyone should move every couple of months like we do. But I am saying that leaving puts relationships into perspective very quickly.
We make it a point now to check in with our people and show up for them. (Like going out of our way to see our oldest nephew and Buddy’s grandpa on a recent road trip). And it feels wonderful to be able to do that when we can. Because we’ve built a life that allows for time flexibility – with plenty of room for detours and unexpected stops. And it all happened by deciding to forge our own path.
Plus, we have grown so much since leaving on this journey that we actually have more to offer the people we love. We’re stronger due to constantly pushing our boundaries, have more knowledge to share from our varied experiences, and are just better people.
5. Moving may actually allow you to offer more
When we left Florida seven years ago, we had no idea where our path would take us. During those first five years in Colorado, we were blessed with some lovely memories of showing friends and family around Colorado, as well as fun times with our hand-picked family in the Denver area.
Plus, we were able to spend lots of quality time with our people when we visited. Because they set aside full days for us – not just a quick coffee meetup. Full days of cherished memories.
Little did we know, we’d eventually quit our desk jobs and become nomadic. Which has allowed us to be there for our people in ways we never even thought would be possible. We’ve spent extended time with all of our family members in the past two years – including some aunts, uncles, and cousins we’d usually rarely see. And we’ve spent a ton of time with all three of our nephews – something that is extremely important to us.
How moving away has helped us connect even more with loved ones
Recently, we flew our 10-year-old nephew out to Colorado to visit us. He saw mountains and snow and waterfalls and dozens of animals (like elk and bison) for the first time. Getting to see his eyes light up at each new adventure is something I’ll cherish forever. And I know that gift of our time and sharing one of our favorite places with him is something he will always remember.
Earlier this year, I also got to give the beautiful gift of time to my best friend of 20+ years by stationing ourselves in Florida for the entire month before her wedding. The year prior, we had another extended visit where I was able to help her find her wedding dress (something I always thought I’d miss out on after moving away). And getting to help her stay calm as we cranked through the long list of wedding to-dos was so rewarding.
Once the craziness of the wedding subsided, she called me in tears telling me how grateful she was that I showed up for her like that. And the best part is, I joyfully did it. Not out of responsibility, not as a sacrifice, but purely out of love.
Because my husband and I are choosing our own path, often it takes us far away. But it can also bring us back at just the right moments to really show up for the people we love or share our journey with them in a special way.
Moving away has taught us a lot, but the most beautiful lesson is that we have people worth going back for. (And trust me, the pull to be gone is strong within us). Our time together may not always happen often or for long periods. But we value it in a much different way than we ever would have had we stayed.
Did you leave your hometown to follow your own path? Have you come to similar conclusions?
So nice to find your blog. I found it while searching for mixed feelings about visiting your hometown. My feelings about my hometown couldn’t be more identical to yours! When you say you plotted your move away since as long as you could remember, you are describing me, too! Most people were supportive, but it was obvious they didn’t quite understand. My mother, on the other hand, was the person who tried to make me feel guilty. She cried constantly and said her grandkids were going to forget her. She has some serious abandonment issues. It made it that much harder to leave. But I still did it! And when I drove westward, out of that place, I didn’t shed a single tear and I don’t feel bad about it!
Thanks so much for your comment! And good for you! I hope your move brings you as much joy as ours did and that you can set up some healthy boundaries and expectations for when you return to your hometown. It is a strange experience to feel so different from the people you grew up with and love so much. I think, for us, those relationships will always be a work in progress. We don’t go back for holidays, because it is just too much with two divorced families – also Florida Christmas is just a bummer if we could have been in snow. lol But, we do our best to show up for our people and are really hoping to convince some of them to start meeting us in cool places, so we don’t have to ALWAYS be the ones who go back. Having our nephew out to Colorado this summer was a good step in that direction! 🙂 Best of luck and please reach out any time! -Brooke
Thanks for the amazing articles Brooke, so poignant and timely given we as a family wish to move 600miles away(UK) from 2 ageing widowed parents that don’t know our plans as of yet, but feel this is definitely the right move and as we’re in our late 40’s it’s now or never!
Any words of encouragement greatly received as the road maybe bumpy ahead!
Will
Thanks, Will! Glad it was helpful. I actually recently wrote a book about this topic as well, since it is something I’ve had so many discussions about over the years and there was still a lot to share. I think the best tip is to just manage expectations when it comes to your loved ones. How often do you plan to return? How would you be willing to help them if something happened? Will they be able to come visit you? You may not be able to make them feel 100% better, but I think most people just want some clarity and to know you won’t forget all about them. Best of luck! Brooke
Thanks Brooke for the quick reply! I’ve downloaded your book and loving it already, your wise words so ring true and I’m only a few pages in! Sometimes you just have to go for it as there’s really no such thing as a wrong decision and what’s the worst that can happen anyway?
I know it won’t be easy, especially as there’s been a recent close bereavement in the family, I guess these compounding situations(pandemic etc) all act as a positive catalyst for change. Thanks for your kind words and encouragement and I’ll keep you updated!!
Will
I was glad to find your articles Brooke. As a fellow ‘nomad’, I take comfort in your words as I go through another relocation. I’ve always thought of myself as a ‘seeker’ but nomad also fits.
Both my husband and I moved to IL – to be close to his family – when we found out we were pregnant. It would be 4 years come December.
Being on the same page, as we are on most things, my husband and I felt it was time to move on. I refused to live through another winter.
Thankfully, I was able to secure a job in AZ. And we will be moving in September. This decision has caused a considerable amount of distress on my husband’s side of the family. And though I’m sympathetic to that neither of us will be dissuaded from following our own truth. Perhaps we both underestimated their response. But I will not subjugate my happiness and search for joy to satisfy their need to be close to our daughter.
AZ may be our next stop but it may not be our last. Thank you for putting in writing what I know in my head and feel in my heart as my truth.
So happy to be able to offer some support! It always makes me so sad to read how many people struggle with getting the support they deserve from the people who love them. Sadly, (at least in our experience) they mostly mean well but it is so damaging to relationships. I hope you find a wonderful new start for your family in Arizona! – Brooke
Hi Brooke,
Thank you for the insight into actually living vs existing. Wish I had the courage. I moved from CT to MD back in 2007 with my husband and two babies. I grew up in CT and NY and my family still resides in those areas. When I left, my mom wouldn’t even hug me. She has visited us in MD some, but my brother and sister do not come down to MD even though we have a relationship. I went through a hideous divorce recently and for 18 months have lived as a single parent to two teenage children. They haven’t seen their father in almost six months now. No one has visited me from home in over eight years. I have a decent and large abode. Yet, they expect me to travel to NY CT for holidays, summer, etc.
Intellectually, I know this behavior is wrong, but I’m still guilted into obliging their request to come to them. (As I am the “defector”) I’m tired of using my vacation to see them while they go to Disney, Aruba, etc. . They each have 5 weeks of annual vacation and my brother also works from home. They all are financially well off. My mom lives alone and isn’t comfortable making the drive alone anymore. This doesn’t help my issue. Why can’t my brother or sister drive her down? If they don’t make an effort to see me and the kids then what am I doing!?? I want to see my neices and nephews, but sometimes lately after all I’ve been through I feel like I should back off and see what happens. I feel like I am a gypsy at heart, they expect me to move back after my kids are out of school. I don’t want to go back there. (Cost of living there is Lunacy) I wish I had your sense of self and maybe some boundaries 😉
Hi Angel,
Thanks so much for your kind words and for sharing your story with us. Very glad our insights got you thinking of some ways to get into a better situation with your family. First, I just want to note that my sense of self and boundaries have taken so many years of daily work and are still a process! But, it has been worth it – especially if I can be an encouragement to others. 🙂 I’d really recommend you read/watch/listen to Brenee Brown if you never have – her research/insights are game-changing! (She had a talk on Netflix for a while, definitely check for it!)
I really feel for your situation! We only go back once or twice a year now, and I’d struggle to even make that effort if not appreciated, or just expected of me. I realize everyone’s story is unique – for example, with divorced parents on both sides, we don’t have tight-knit families and we both are extremely blunt, so we don’t feel bad telling people we love that we just don’t like our hometown and have no interest in going back for holidays since we prefer our own traditions (this makes it much easier to just make a life on our own terms). I don’t encourage everyone to do what we do, since that could really ruin relationships that have a different dynamic than ours. BUT I do think we all set our own value in relationships and have to set boundaries/communicate if we want to be treated well.
Also, if you need someone to tell you that you deserve a vacation, I am happy to be that person! It seems like you and your kids could really use a trip that is just about having fun together – just for you guys! I hope you are able to make that happen. Maybe it could be a new annual or twice a year tradition for you. 🙂 Best of luck! And I also hope things start to improve for you and you can figure out a way to maintain your important family relationships without sacrificing what is best for you and your kids. If you are reading articles like this, I have a feeling you are on the way to making some big changes. Even small steps can make such a big difference! -Brooke
Great article Brooke.
I once read a book called “How to be free in an unfree world”, in which the author discusses the guilt around the parental claim of, “I did allll this for you.”
He turns the whole idea around, and it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. He suggests that before you are born your parents have no idea who “you” actually are.
The reason they decide to have a child is that they want the experience of being parents. They become parents for themselves, not for you.
And part of that decision they make, part of the unwritten contract, is that they are committing to looking after you in the best possible way they can until you reach adulthood.
So in reality, thay haven’t done it all for you… It was all for themselves, as they took on the responsibility to look after you through the rough and the smooth when they chose to become parents.
Yes, of course you can be grateful to them for raising you and loving you, but they have no right to demand that gratitude by instilling guilt, when the original decision was made in order to fulfil their own desire to be parents.
Happy travels,
Ian
Love this! Thanks for sharing, Ian. I’ll have to check out that book, I definitely agree with a lot of what you’ve summarized here!
Thank you for this comforting article. I also left Florida, and moved to California, 2 years ago. I didn’t grow up in FL but did spend 14 years there. Only a couple of friends there have remained in contact with me, which has been hurtful and has caused me some guilt in leaving. I have been hesitant to go back for a visit in fear of feeling sorely disappointed. Reading this, as well as your article about why we should NOT feel guilty/selfish, etc was much needed. Best of luck on all of your future journeys!
So glad this helped! I won’t lie, going back is a challenge at times. Some people really just can’t be happy for us without thinking our decisions are some slap in the face for their life choices. But the relationships we have maintained (and which have in turn been reciprocated) are better than ever. Hope you can keep enjoying your new lifestyle and not let the worry or guilt drag you down! 🙂
Hi Brooke! I know this is a pretty late comment considering when your post was written, but this article resonated with me so much. I recently told my family about plans to move to another state, and was met with a lot of backlash and hatefulness. I’ve been told over and over how selfish I am, and that I’m only thinking of myself. Reading this post really flipped a switch in my head that I’m not selfish for wanting more for myself. Everything you said resonated so deeply with me, and I am so grateful I came across this post. Thank you for you words of encouragement and for sharing your thoughts and feelings ❤️
Hi Sydney, Thanks so much for your note. Funny enough, I get so many comments on this blog post and have so much more to share that I’m currently writing out all of my thoughts on this topic and hope to have it finished up as a sort of guide soon. The more time passes, the more I can really look at this decision and how it has shaped my life and relationships. Just know, you are not alone! This is a very emotionally charged decision for many, mostly due to the backlash you mentioned. At least for me, absence does make the heart grow founder and space has allowed some less-than-great relationships to heal. I hope you can continue to find peace in your decisions and am so happy I could help encourage you! Best of luck on the journey and please feel free to keep in touch.
Hello Brooke! Thank you for all of your insight, this was so relieving to read! I have never felt super comfortable in the Midwest, and didn’t know fully just how uncomfortable I was until I traveled and studied abroad in Scotland. I feel like I agree more with/fit better with the culture and politics (even though I am grateful for my American upbringing and culture) and i have created relationships with lovely people, who I really connect with on a deep level right away, which Is something I’ve found to be difficult where I live. I feel so much joy there versus here, and coming back has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I especially feel that my relationship with family has been strained as they have begun to realize how much I have blossomed out of the person they once new and as they realize that I feel out of place and like I do not fit in here and would rather be somewhere else. It hurts a lot, and I feel very guilty for it, as I do not want to hurt them. I feel additionally guilty, because not only am I wanting to move states, I want to move across the ocean to another country!! This is especially insane, because there’s only been one person who moved states since my family immigrated here generations ago! Everyone lives within about an hour of each other. I have been planning on doing my masters abroad in Edinburgh, simply because I wanted to do my masters anyways (and it’s more affordable there) and I can get even more perspective/longer “trial period” because I will be there for about 2 years. My family has been cautiously supportive, so I’ll keep praying about it. Anyways, thank you for all of your wisdom and insight 🙂
Thanks so much for your note, Monica. I hope you are able to find peace with the path you choose and it seems like your plan to have a longer trial period should help with that. We absolutely loved Scotland as well and completely understand feeling a change in yourself that makes it hard to relate to people you love who have different views. We’ve been spending less and less time in the U.S. since we’ve begun house sitting full-time and honestly never miss it. We miss our people, yes. But, also feel like we don’t belong anymore. It’s a hard balance, but learning to just accept their differences even though you don’t value the same things anymore gets easier and I personally think space helps to ease that because when you do return you just want to share in some nice memories and can hold your tongue more. Anyway, best of luck! The good news is, it seems like you’ll always know where to find them if you choose to return! If it is anything like our experience, you’ll go back to visit to find everything is pretty much the same, other than you. 😉
This and your Why You’re NOT Selfish for Moving Away articles have been a godsend. I related to you and your experiences very much. I’m literally days away from leaving my home state for the first time in 30 years. I have lived out of state for about four months, but I knew I was going to come back. This time it is indefinitely. It is something I have wanted to do for 10 years now and it is finally coming true. I’m excited, scared, feeling guilty, feeling overwhelmed and feeling sad. I can’t back out now but I go through moments of mixed feelings, which is why I needed to find your articles. Thank you so much for solidifying the reasons why I am doing this and why it will all be OK. 🙂
So happy the articles have helped! I can honestly say I’m proud of who I am and all the challenges I’ve overcome to get here, which is something I never thought I’d genuinely feel 10 years ago. That would have never happened had I not taken that first step out of my comfort zone. I hope you can look back and have a similar experience of seeing your own growth a few years down the road. If it is scary & exciting, that is usually a good sign that it will change you for the better! 🙂 Best of luck on your new journey! <3 Brooke
I really needed this article today. I am about to move to a country in the other end of the world (india to canada) and i have been feeling excited yet terribly guilty. Everything you mentioned felt so true, especially the part about missing someone being better than resenting them. I feel so guilty and sad right now, yet i know that if I don’t take this opportunity i will end up resenting my parents and everyone else. And who incidentally aren’t even asking me to stay back, i am just making up scenarios in my head. I cannot tell you how much this has soothed my anxious mind today. Thank you Brooke, a million times.
Hi Pooja! So glad this article was helpful and thank you so much for your note. We absolutely love everywhere we’ve ever visited in Canada and hope it is a wonderful new adventure for you. I hope that you can embrace the opportunity and enjoy it despite missing everyone back home. Canadians are so super nice, so I’m sure you will find a community there in no time. Please feel free to keep in touch! 🙂 Brooke
Thank you for your kind and encouraging words Brooke. They have helped a lot, i hope i will like canada as much as you did.
I will definitely keep in touch, i already love your website.
I just wanted to say I read both your pieced about moving. Reading both of them has helped me to solidify my tetertoter mind right now. I currently live in Colorado and have for the last 6 years. I have been debating on moving back to my hometown in Nebraska. I had a baby back in October and the guilt of her missing out on family has been immense. But, at the end of the day, I need to remember I moved here for a reason. We can ways travel back for visits. We are putting in an offer for a house in Nebraska later today but my heart is screaming no. Because I’m now realizing we would only be moving back because I feel guilty for moving because my family has made me feel that way for moving. Your statement regarding possible resentment hit home with me. I would grow to resent my family. They don’t make any effort to really visit me out here, so I truly hope the offer is declined and we stay in Colorado. I love this state. It has so much to offer and endless freedoms. 🤞 Thank you so much for your eye opening article. It has helped me feel free.
I appreciate these articles so much. I’m at a point now where my desire to move is so strong, living in the same city for my 22 years and yearning for a change for the past few. But I also feel scared of leaving because of the connections I’ve built and knowing that I’m going to let go of a lot of them. But that paves the way for new connections and it doesnt mean losing everybody. Because people who have left before me I am still friends with. Now it’s my turn to take that role too.
So glad this was helpful, Kai! I’ve definitely lost some relationships – but, those would have been gone eventually anyway. However, the ones I kept are stronger than I think they ever would have been because we appreciate each other and our visits so much more. Best of luck! Brooke
Thank you so much for both your articles on moving. I am very different than my parents and fell in love with the Carolinas when I first moved there 15 years ago. I moved back closer to home when I got married thinking it was the thing to do but it wasn’t. Two divorces later I am finally moving back, will be leaving an office job to work remotely and hoping to buy a van conversion soon so that if I want to leave my home in the Carolinas for a month to travel I can! I have hope I’ll meet a fellow nomad along the way. What I cam say to others is do what makes your heart happy. Failure to do so just makes you miserable and that usually gets taken out on the people you love. I totally agree it is better to miss someone then resent them!
Hi Gina, Thanks for your note and congrats on your move! It seems like you have a great adventure ahead. 🙂
Hello, I am a native NYer and have lived in 3 other states. One of the states i lived in was Florida. I had always wanted to live in a warm climate and near a beach. I have lived in the city, mountains. but my favorite environment is the beach. As soon as i got the chance i moved to Florida. I learned a lot about me I not as adventurous as i thought, nor am i as social as i thought. That realization has really made me second guess alot about myself. I have also realized that different geographic locations are socially different. Living in Florida was the first time i was apart from my daughter in 25 yrs. The difficulty for me is not having any family there or knowing no one will visit and if anything happens to me no will no the difference. Im currently in North Carolina. I dont hate it due to having some family here but it is not my desired atmosphere. While Florida has the climate and beach it doesnt have the social atmosphere i prefer or viability to make money as I am not at retirement age. Your article has dispelled some negative thought s i have been struggling with since living in NC. The pandemic as added some fears of being alone and far away from family. But your article has inspired me to look at the positives of moving. I do more growing when im alone and i do more adventures when im alone. I dont rely on people to be my happiness or part of my life. It forces me to create a life i wants with whom i want. Thank you for writing your experiences and im glad i found your article to challenge my deepest desires. I dont want to live my life for other people. Moving around has made me feel lonely. But i ahve been challenged with the idea of how to be more social myself.
Thank you Brooke for your blog. I am looking forward to also reading your book. My husband and I are looking to move about 800 miles from home in our late 40s and my mother is having a very hard time with it. I can understand her being upset that we are moving but she is really putting on the guilt. I will be back every month for a week but that doesn’t seem to be helping. I don’t want to be the person that stays and then is resentful for it. Any suggestions on how to handle the situation with her?
It sounds like you are making a huge effort to remain in her life. I’m not a professional in relationships so always feel wary of giving advice, but I’ve been following a therapist on Instagram who specializes in boundaries and she has some wonderful insights. Lots of reminders that you can’t change another person’s perspective, just how you deal with it. Highly recommend diving into some of her content for inspiration: nedratawwab. Best of luck!
Brooke,
Thank you for your dedication to this. I found it at a time I find myself very torn. I appreciate your insight and am very happy for your and your husband as well as your family who benefit from your personal growth. God Bless you.
Thank you Brooke! You have captured my feelings spot on. My husband and I are both 70 (and energetic) and getting ready to re-retire. We have been nomads like you for 2 and a half years of our 22 years together. For the past 10 years we have been managing self-storage facility in California, Oregon and Washington. We’ve been in a wonderful job in the Seattle area (close to 8 years) and have been around to be very involved with 2 of our 8 grandkids. They are now 8 and 6 and becoming more involved with their friends. This past year and a half has been challenging to say the least. We differ in our reaction to COVID and do not see eye to eye politically. We’re freedom seekers and our children are fearful. Needless to say, we do not spend quality time with them or the grandkids because they feel we are not safe. No more sleepovers, etc. We were going to retire nearby but found we can not afford the area and want to be somewhere warmer. We never thought we’d live in Florida but we checked out the northern part of the state and found a great piece of land where we will build. Two of our 5 boys are laying on the guilt trip. Your words are comforting and inspirational. We are so excited about the adventures we will have as we get back on the road. We know we will continue to nurture our relationships because they are important. It might take more work but it could be very beneficial to all concerned. We have allowed in our budget to travel to see family and friends as we travel around the country. I really think it could lead to better relationships. We believe our family may start to appreciate us more when were not so available. Thanks again for reminding me of the joy and happiness that awaits us.
So happy this helped and that you have so much joy ahead! 🙂
I’d love an update to this post. I’ve read it a few times. I’ve travelled, lived abroad and returned. It feels different being the one to go, and the one to stay behind. I’m wondering what you are views now…a few years later? Are your parents aging? Do you have children? Are there other changes? Thanks!
You know, I’ve realized recently that there is just no right answer. My feelings change on it all the time. I miss my people, but I feel suffocated in my hometown and don’t align with the major lifestyle choices there. I genuinely wish that wasn’t the case, but I just can’t shake it. I never want to move back, but I’d go back temporarily WHENEVER my people need me (and have on multiple occasions, even for months at a time even). I just need to know I can get out eventually. And at this point, they get it and know they can rely on me to show up no matter what because I’ve proven it multiple times. I have seen my nephew at least once a year since I left nine years ago, so I’m pretty proud of that, too! 🙂
I get questions all the time after writing on this topic asking for advice on if they should leave their parents, spouse, grown kids, etc. to follow their dreams. Who the heck knows?!?! I can’t make that call. For some, it is totally self-serving or escapist. For others, it is critical for getting away from a toxic environment or being able to experience meaningful personal growth. So many of us come from broken homes due to divorce or addiction or loss, it’s hard to feel a sense of belonging and nostalgia for where we came from.
I think my point is, I realize most of us are all just doing our best with poor role models and a future we have no idea how to plan for. Right now, I’m making choices that I think are best for my marriage and my sanity, that’s the best I’ve come up with so far.
Thanks for the opportunity to re-think this a bit! I don’t mean to be pessimistic or anything, but I have realized – as I’m sure you have – this is such a complicated topic!
Hope you find peace with your choices. I know it is a challenge at times!
Hello,
I stumbled upon your site as I sit here sobbing about moving next month. We just retired (63) and are moving from NJ to SC. We’ve always talked about moving south but it is still hard to leave my sisters and one daughter here. We plan to visit often and vice versa. Your words about building stronger relationships (absence makes the hard grow fonder!) really is helping me. Thanks much.
So glad this helped! I hope you have a positive experience as well!
Thank you for your in depth look at moving away from your hometown! My husband and our 2 small kiddos are living with my parents in CA at the moment. We have been looking to move to AZ and my family is very resistant. I can’t even talk about moving because it will start a huge fight. It’s been a heavy burden thinking that IM the villain for wanting to leave. Reading your articles has given me a piece of mind that the ones who truly love us, will be happy to watch us grow. Thank you again!
So glad it was helpful to you! Thank you for your comment and all the best on your next chapter.