Moving away from family or other loved ones to blaze your own path in a new place can feel like the most selfish thing in the world. Whether you are moving to a new state or a different country, being further away from your support system and loved ones can be really difficult.
Not getting to see my nephew grow up has been especially hard for me. I tear up often thinking of how much I’ve missed out on since I moved away in 2012 – especially around his birthday.
I’ve wondered if my desire – my need – to leave my hometown and move out of state to find a place of my own makes me a selfish jerk.
But, what I’ve come to realize – and what I have to tell myself at times – is that it is quite the opposite. If you struggle with this too, or maybe you are considering never leaving because the guilt would be too much, here are three reasons why you are not selfish for moving away.
2023 Update: More Moving Away Insights in Book Form!
This article was originally written in 2016, four years after moving away from family members and good friends in Florida to build a new life in Colorado. Since that big move, we were nomads for four years and now live in Hawaii.
However, I’ve decided not to change this article to the present tense because it really showcases an important point in my life and some great insights on what it is like to be the one who leaves.
Over the years, I’ve received so many comments, emails, and messages about what I’ve shared in this blog post. It is a complicated topic that is challenging to discuss with someone who doesn’t understand or relate to the situation. So I get why so many people have been relieved to read this!
While I’m not one to give direct advice since everyone’s situation is very different, I decided to share all of my insights on this topic to help others feel understood and offer some other perspectives that may offer some comfort.
You can order Moving Away: The Emotional Side of Leaving on Amazon as an ebook or paperback.
There is nothing wrong with wanting MORE joy.
“Why can’t you just be happy with what you have? You are so blessed.” Maybe you’ve told yourself this too – or someone else has. But, what I’ve come to understand, is that seeking joy is not something to feel guilty about, even if you already have a whole lot of it.
And if something that makes someone else happy makes you miserable, that doesn’t mean either of you are wrong. You just find your joy in different places.
There is something to be said for finding joy where you are, no one likes a Negative Nancy. But seeking out places that light up your soul is nothing to be ashamed of.
Why we moved away from home:
People move away from home for all sorts of reasons – a new job, wanting a fresh start or to branch out of their comfort zone, looking for better job opportunities outside a small town, or more affordable housing in a new location.
For us, we always new we would move away to start our own life somewhere new.
I don’t remember a time that I ever loved living in my hometown in Florida. Sure I had good memories – a ton of them. But that was never because it was an awesome place to live. I was never a beach person (not that type of beach, at least). And the bar scene (the main source of fun in that city for adults) wasn’t for me.
Nothing ever stood out to me about that specific place as worth sticking around for. Not to mention, the too-hot weather in the summer and too-cold (surprising, I know) month of winter that didn’t even bother to produce snow. I don’t like to use this word, but I hated it.
However, the mountains … the mountains brought me joy. And still do. Being near them puts me at ease and hiking in them is my favorite thing in the whole world. When my husband, Buddy, and I first visited Colorado we fell in love with the weather, activities, people, mindset, and the stunning Rocky Mountains. We knew we had made the best decision for us.
We finally felt like we were where we belonged. And it is an amazing feeling that I still cherish, even after four years of living here. We’d never want to go back to our old home and our old life, even though the physical distance can be hard. Our move as the best thing for us!
But the reality is, I will probably always want more from life. I love my home now. But there are so many other places I want to experience and things I want to try. I think God has a whole lot of joy he wants to send my way, and I want to be available to soak up every second of it – instead of hiding out, feeling guilty for wanting to devour it.
You miss them because you love them; that’s not a bad thing.
I lived in the same town for 22 years before I moved. Everyone I loved most was in that town (or a few hours away). And most of us had never traveled too far from home.
So, putting it in my rear-view mirror felt a lot like saying bye to all of those dear to me (except my hubby, of course). But it is only goodbye to the ones who weren’t REALLY in your life anyway.
Would I cry over missing my nephew’s birthday if I didn’t love him with all my heart? Would I worry I won’t be there when my best friend one day picks out her wedding gown, if she wasn’t important to me? And would I call my mom all the dang time if I didn’t love her a whole lot? Nope. I wouldn’t.
And would my nephew leave me voicemails and send letters saying how much he misses me if he hated my guts? No. Would my family and friends make an effort to come see me when I’m in town, or visit me in Colorado, if I wasn’t important to them? Well, maybe they’d do it for the free Colorado vacay, but you get the point.
How moving away from family changes relationships:
Believe me, absence does make the heart grow fonder. My best friend of 20 years and I barely hung out or talked when I moved. We were just busy with other things. But now we talk weekly, if not more. And when we see each other we have THE BEST time! It took being a thousand miles apart to realize how blessed we were to have each other.
Now, we have an amazing long-distance friendship that I’m extremely proud of.
We miss our people because we love them fiercely. And that is not a bad thing – don’t let it be. Cry the tears. But don’t feel guilty. You are not a bad person for loving them so much.
Striving to be a better person is a good thing.
When my nephew was born, I swore to myself that I would be a big part of his life. I would be someone he could always rely on. And I would make sure he knew how much I loved him. Even with the distance, I’ve worked hard to keep that promise. And I try to see him at least once a year, if not more.
We may not spend a lot of time together, but we do have quality time when we are together. And I’m the best version of myself and have created my own life on my terms, which he can one day see as a great example.
Insights on offering more to the ones you love:
While wanting to be a reliable form of support for your loved ones is a great goal, what if you could offer even more? What if by finding out who you are, following your dreams, and making the most of your life, you could inspire the people you love to do the same?
What if you were not only someone your friends and family could rely on, but someone they respected and admired?
I didn’t want my nephew to think of me as his grumpy aunt who argued with her husband all the time, was overweight and drank too much. That was the life I saw ahead of me in Florida. Staying in that town I grew up in was suffocating my dreams and sense of adventure. And I knew it as it was happening.
I was angry that I was still there, unmotivated to make the most of each day, and pretty sure Buddy and I were on a path to one day kill each other out of sheer boredom. Never underestimate the dangers of boredom.
Leading by example:
Now I like who I am. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m someone my nephew can be proud to call his Auntie. And his Uncle Buddy has grown into a pretty awesome guy, too!
We have asked ourselves the important questions, found a good rhythm to our personal life, have been given great opportunities to grow, and have gained a new perspective by being in a different city far from the one we grew up in. We are stronger now.
On a recent trip to visit my favorite kiddo, we were playing tag, and he said: “Even though you climb mountains, I’m still faster than you.”
I’m the Aunt who climbs mountains. I’m the Aunt that sends him postcards from awesome places he’s never seen. I’m the one who has goals and dreams I’m not afraid to reach for, who has the type of marriage I only pray he can have one day – filled with adventures and so much laughter. I’m the one who will help him fill his own Passport one day.
[Our nephew even visited us in Colorado many years after writing this blog post.]
I wish with all my heart I could have become this person without having to miss out on so much of his life. Moving away from family and friends you love is really difficult. But I honestly don’t think I could have grown this much without forging my own path. And my marriage probably wouldn’t be this strong if we hadn’t taken off on our own to make a life we love.
Luckily, most of our family and friends totally support our crazy dreams. But for an eight-year-old, these ideas are a bit too deep to grasp. I just hope one day my nephew gets it. And before then, I’ll keep sharing my adventures with him and making the most of the time we do have together. After all, the best part about finding joy, is sharing it.
In 2019, I also wrote a follow-up piece with the lessons we’ve learned from our now multiple experiences with moving away from family and friends: ‘The Truth About Moving Away.’ For even more insights, don’t forget to check out my book: Moving Away: The Emotional Side of Leaving.
BONUS: Logistical Checklist for Moving Away
Now that we’ve talked about the emotional side of moving away from family, I do suggest getting the logistical aspects in order to make it less stressful. It is important to be practical about your move and make some strategic plans before you take off. This checklist of logistical steps, decisions to make, and information to gather before your move should help you get off to a smoother start.
If you plan it out right, once you get to your new chosen home, you can just focus on getting settled in and enjoying your new scenery and new experiences! But, don’t forget to pause and enjoy the excitement of the journey while you are making your big transition. You deserve it!
Decide Where to Live.
Once you’ve narrowed down your search to which city you’d like to move to, research further to figure out what area of town suits you best. Consider crime rates, schools, living cost, and commute. If you can, it is a good idea to plan a trip to view your rental or home buying options before your move. Or plan for a temporary living situation if you won’t be securing lodging before your move.
Secure a Job
Find out if jobs in your field are realistically available or if you could relocate in your current role. Make sure you don’t need any additional certifications to work in that state or country. Also, consider the commute. While working from home is a great way to move with your same job, going to an in-person job can help you make new friends.
Get a Realistic Idea of Cost of Living
Especially important for those on a budget, you’ll need to research cost of living and other fees or expenses to know what to expect in your new home. Will you be taxed differently? Is registering a vehicle or getting insurance more expensive? If you live in the United States and are going abroad to save money, make sure you know any other costs for living in that area you may not be aware of.
Plan for the Weather
If moving to a new city, consider the climate, culture, and what kind of recreational options would be available to you. Will you need to make any adjustments or by new gear due to weather?
Look into Options for Your Children
For people with kids, look into the quality of schools in the area, cost of daycare, and family friendly activities available. A good way to get started is in Facebook groups and on local mommy blogs! If you have kids in school, enroll them in their new school and notify their current school they are leaving. If bringing teenagers or young adults along, involving them in looking up local activities could be a great way to get them more excited.
Plan for Your Pets
If you have pets, check to make sure they don’t need any specific licenses or testing prior to moving. Also check for any rules or restrictions based on breeds, etc. Make plans for how to transport your pets and get any necessary proof of vaccines, etc. If you are moving abroad, you will likely have to put your pets in quarantine, so plan accordingly. A big move can be a hard time for your pets, so be sure to manage their needs and stress as well.
Consider Any Lifestyle Needs
If you want to go to college, have a small farm or raise chickens, start a business out of your home, or some other activity that is important to you, make sure your location would allow that. Will you be able to still go about your normal daily routine and lifestyle in a comfortable way?
Arrange for the Sale of your Home or to Break Your Lease
If you need to sell your family home or plan to get out of a rental lease, be sure to get that all figured out within good timing of your move. In our experience, sometimes a house can sell extra quickly, so having a backup lodging plan can help.
Decide What to Do With Your Belongings
Determine if it is worth shipping furniture or other large items rather than just repurchasing them when you get there. Then, make a plan to move your belongings accordingly. Consider downsizing to save yourself time, money, and hassle when moving.
Outline a Move Timeline
Will you drive or fly and how many days should you dedicate to the move? Do you need any help? Do you need to take time off work? Do you need to plan any pre-move trips to make arrangements?
Collect Important Documents
Confirm that you have your birth certificate and any other important documentation you need to avoid having to return to your home state or city to collect. If moving abroad, arrange for a Visa or other documentation you’ll need.
Don’t forget to arrange for mail to be sent to your new address (whenever you have it).
Find out how long you will have after moving to get a new driver’s license and establish residency, then plan accordingly with time off work and keep the associated fees in mind.
Notify Important Entities
Once you have a new address, be sure to update your bank, insurance companies, credit card institutions, and any other places that may need to have that current information.
Discuss How to Stay in Touch
Make plans for coming back to visit or having friends and family come visit you, if desired. This can help ease the sting of being apart! If you have elderly parents, this may involve some extra planning or you returning instead for visits.
Deciding on a regular video chat schedule can also help. I like to make calendar reminders to remember to send birthday cards and reach out if I know my loved ones have something important coming up.
Plan a going away party (if you want one!)
Or ask someone to host it! This big life event deserves a celebration – even if it is just a solo one. We always throw a big party with our local close friends and loved ones before a move. I think it is the best way to show them we really appreciate their support and it is always a good time.
Get Connected in Your New Home
Even before you leave for your new beginning, you can connect in your new area by joining local community groups or connecting with locals on social media for insights. This is a great way to meet new people and get insights into the new area you will be living in. Meeting new people can feel intimidating, but it is an important big step in getting settled in to your new home and feeling less sad about not having access to your usual social circle.
We hope this helps you have a better move! All the best on your journey.
I know you’ve touched the hearts and inspired the souls of many of us. Keep up the adventures. I hope many more searching spirits will find you.
Thanks so much! I’m always hopeful I can inspire others to pursue their joy.
Wow! I too grew up in Florida and felt the very same way…BOREDOM. As a teenager i felt i needed to just get out, i couldnt explain it. I felt guilty cause Florida is so beautiful and i shouldve been so grateful to live there. I met my then future wife who was from Missouri and we took off out of Florida together. All my family still lives in Florida and i miss them. I think about what life would be like if i stayed but truth is i wouldnt be who i am today without leaving. I was headed down a dark path. I love your line “never underestimate the dangers of boredom”. I think for those of us who do get bored easily this serves more as a public service announcement! Thank you, great article!
JD, Thanks for your note! It has been wonderful to realize I’m not the only one with these deep feelings of needing to find my own adventure. Currently riding out the pandemic in New Zealand due in large part to that desire to never be bored for too long. haha Hope you and your wife are enjoying your own adventure and that you get to see your loved ones often. Definitely understand balancing missing them and doing your own thing. 🙂 Brooke
Brooke,
I am 51 and looking to start the second half of my life with my new bride. I have four children and they are all adults and doing very well. I am overcome with anxiety guilt because i feel like i am abandoning them. How do i work through these feeling and be rid of them?
Hi Jason, sorry to hear about your challenging situation. I’m not an expert on dealing with these emotions either and do still feel the guilt on occassion, all I can do is share my experience in hopes that it will help others who may benefit from a different perspective since I’m still very glad I did what I knew was right for me. But every situation is very different. Talking it through with a professional counselor or even having a family meeting with a counselor to help everyone work through the emotions positively may be something to consider though. They should have many more resources and evidence-backed suggestions of coping methods also! Best of luck, Brooke
Thank you for writing this. It made me feel so much better after reading it. I’m home in Colorado where I grew up and was feeling a bit guilty about my move to Madrid. I’m glad you live Colorado it will always have a big place in my heart, but Madrid is what inspires me. I have leaved there for 2 years and I love it and I can’t imagine leaving. The guilt kills you sometimes though so it was great to read your words of encouragement. 🙂
Thanks so much for your comment, Lindsey. So glad my words offered some encouragement. Finding a place that inspires you shouldn’t be something to feel guilty about. We actually realized two years ago that we weren’t aligned with what we wanted anymore in Colorado and have been trying out nomadic life. It is fun to find places we may want to settle down in the future – Spain is high on the list! But, we are even further away and harder to contact now, so glad we are used to managing the guilt by now. 😉 And we’ve even found we are inspiring our loved ones to chase their dreams, which is awesome. Hope you continue to chase yours!
Wow! I am completely opposite from you in my wants. I live in the mountains and loves the ocean. I want to move to or near Florida. I’m not knocking your or your choice to move, I just think it is funny that we want the exact opposite of me. I love the hot weather and beaches. I feel that I’ve had 33 too many snowy winters!
I’m trying to build the courage to do it, but if I stick it out here I can retire early (Good Lord Willing of course) in 10 years. That is a long time to wait though. Praying about what to do. Thanks for writing this. Take care.
Good for you guys! Completely jealous! We are in this situation right now. Hubby is wanting to move within a 2 hour radius from our hometown (NW Indiana ????), so we will still be close for parents/grandparents/grown kids. I want out of state entirely and of course I am nervous, but never wanted to stay (only did for kids). After almost 19 years of marriage, let’s go! He is nervous and scared, how do you help that?
Hi Amy, In complete honesty, we are fear motivated in the other direction. The idea of being stuck has always freaked me out. I knew I wanted out of my hometown since I was little and told everyone those plans from an early age. And funny enough, people were still surprised we actually went through with it! The missing our people part didn’t really set in until about a year after our move, because we were SO DANG EXCITED to be chasing our dreams. I don’t think we even really cried when we left. But, now I cry every time I leave after a visit and a few times in between. But, that’s okay. I think the move really made us appreciate our people even more and vice versa, as I noted in this article. But, with divorced parents on each side and being very independent at young ages, our life has always been more centered on our marriage than our families, so that has probably made it much easier for us to leave than people more embedded in family life. Buddy (my husband) and I talk often about how lucky we are that we have always been on the same page with our dreams. But looking back, it took us a while to get there on a few occasions. I wrote this article a few years back, and we’ve actually since left Colorado and realized we feel most at home moving to different places often (after trying RVing and it not being for us, we pet/housesit full-time now and love it). But, there was about a year where I really wanted to hit the road and he just didn’t think we needed a change. After a BIG fight, I made myself stop pushing so hard for it because it just wasn’t worth hurting our marriage over and I knew forcing it wouldn’t end well. We agreed to compromise and go on more trips to help my desire to go, but I prayed daily for him to change his heart on staying put. Eventually, we both agreed his job was a big problem in our marriage and he needed to quit, so needing to find a less expensive lifestyle pushed us down the path that led to our current lifestyle (I wrote more about this here). Every situation is different, but my best idea for you would be to address the fears in a calm and understanding way. If your husband wants a move too and is just worried, then this would really help get things rolling! Make a plan of how you would get back in case of an emergency and budget to visit every few months (we get Southwest cards to rack up points every year to help with visiting when in the U.S. –more on that here). Then look into places you would want to move and see what is even feasible. Not sure what your work situation is, but if you are retired or work online, I’d highly recommend housesitting as a way to test out life in new places. Maybe spending a few weeks or more in one of the places you are interested in could help you both get motivated to make it happen and help you plan for the move better. (We answer some top questions we get about pet/housesitting in this article: https://trailingaway.com/questions-about-housesitting/.) Also, you can always move back! Maybe agree to just try it for one whole year – you could always rent your home and rent something where you want to live to not be stuck. It may take some time, but getting on the same page before going for the big move will make it so much more enjoyable for you both. Just be creative and brainstorm ways to make it work that you both would enjoy. 🙂 Best of luck to you, Amy!
Wow! I want to thank you for this read. I am struggling so much right now with the guilt of being away from my family. I have lives away from my hometown for 8 years now but recently my father hasn’t been doing well. I have thought about moving back to be there. My parents have told they don’t want that unless it is what I want. I love my job and I am happy with where I live. Only thing in my hometown is my parents. Reading this has helped. Thank you.
Hi Kelley, Thank you so much for your kind comment. I am really happy this article was helpful to you. Brooke
Hi Brook,
Thanks for sharing your journey to making you happy. My husband and embarked a journey to move to a place that makes us happy. After planning for 2 years we finally made the move. Sixteen months ago we left my hometown in Pennsylvania of 46 years. I lived there my whole life and raised 3 children. The oldest, my daughter Ashley, 25 now, moved to Florida 3 years ago to embark on her dream. My for 25 years had been my children and I wanted to do something for me. When we decided to move we were leaving behind my son who was 21 and my stepson who was 20 at the time. They were both in college and could stay with their other parent when not away school. I was excited we had arranged for the boys to move all their belongs to the other parents house and my husband and I move to a place we longed to be, Arizona!! We sold our house and my husband couch surfed for 10 months until he could retire. I got our new house set up and went to school to my Real Estate License during the 9 months I was by myself. As liberating as it felt at the time I was saddened for leaving my boys behind. I thought as time went on and my husband retired and moved out to Arizona with me would make me feel better. Here I am 16 months later and some days the guilt is unbearable and I want to move back home. Reading your article made me realize I should not feel guilty but need to embrace and enjoy everyday I am here. Who knows how long we will stay here, but I need to enjoy this beautiful place I call home and shouldn’t feel guilty for that. Not going to lie…the guilt is hard to get past, but I am trying my best everyday.
Thanks so much for your note, Lynnette! I hope you are able to move past the guilt and enjoy the life you fought so hard for. Recently, someone pointed out to me that my honesty with my loved ones about chasing my dreams may be the example they need to one day do the same… especially my beloved nephew who I mentioned in this article. So, maybe one day, your kids will be motivated by your bravery to go for it! Seems like that may have already happened with your daughter. 🙂 Just from what you’ve shared, it is obvious you love your family. But you can 100% love them while also loving this new life. So, please please embrace it. Best of luck!
Brooke,
My husband and I moved to Oregon to years ago from Florida . Lately we’ve been asking ourselves did we make a mistake? Are we bad people for leaving our family ? What about the good times are we missing ? Should we go back ? This has created guilt in my heart but at the same time we were not happy there and I’m extremely happy in Oregon. I too have found where I belong and I want to exist in a world where I can have both the pride of my home and not loose who I love in Florida.
You’re beautiful article has put into words how we have felt and brought tears to my eyes and healing to my heart. In this life we can have it all!
Hi Jennifer, Thank you so much for your comment. It made my day to know I was able to help you heal and move forward with excitement on this part of your journey. We REALLY can have it all! Love that! 🙂 Brooke
Hi Jennifer and Brooke,
Jennifer, we moved from Oregon to Florida and fell in love with Florida! How funny we are opposite. I grew so very tired of the rain and cold after a few decades in the NW. Mostly in OR, but 9 years in WA. The rainy sides for most years. We left our grown and now married daughters in 2011. All for jobs. Our oldest still lives in WA and will never leave. Our grand kids are 13 and 5. Our youngest now lives in Northern CA and they have no kids yet. They want to return to WA when they begin having kids. To be near family.
We sadly had to leave Florida after only one year. The job didn’t work out. Now we live in Southern CA, an hour’s drive from my hometown. For my husband’s job. It was a blessing because my dad became terminally ill just before moving here, and I was able to go and pretty much live with him until he passed away 8 months ago, in my childhood home. I got to catch up with girlfriends, family friends, and my brother and his family too. We have lived here in CA for 13 months and we are looking to leave in another year, and maybe head back to FL if we can make it work. CA is tough to afford in many ways. Especially housing and rents. We are in our mid 50’s. I have girlfriends who are also grandma’s and they wouldn’t dream or dare of moving away from their kids or grand kids. I just have no desire (for now) to return to the NW, but have guilt about feeling that way. My husband sometimes says maybe we should return to WA.
The NW is not out of the question, but for now, it’s not where we want to be. I love that it’s 75 degrees in November and I can be in short sleeves and sandals! I love the sunshine. I don’t mind humidity at all. I like that climate. Weird right? This time, we’d be choosing to move somewhere far away. How do you balance your wants/joy around family time guilt? You know..the “are we crazy to miss out on time with our kids and grand kids?” feelings. I wonder if we’ll be so very sorry years from now. Maybe. Maybe not.
Thanks for your article Brooke! I’d appreciate any input from you both!
I really have no idea if there will be regrets and it is something I’ve thought of. We try our best to set aside quality time with our loved ones at least once a year (if possible – more for the little ones who won’t catch up on the phone with us). I know I would be much closer with my nephew if I had stayed, could have helped more when his parents got divorced, been there for all the field trips, etc. etc. etc. BUT I don’t allow myself to feel guilty. I always go back to the question: “Who would I be?” I have learned so much on my journey that I hope to share with him about life and love and the world. I have had the opportunity to deeply know who I am and what my strengths and weaknesses are. Without a doubt, all of that would have been impossible had I not left.
Many people that comment on this article want me to say “yes, go for it” because they are afraid of all the maybes and want someone else to make that hard decision. I totally get that and remember doing similar searches before I took the leap into full-time travel. But, it’s up to you and no one else can tell you what is right – not even your family or friends who know you well, and especially not me. You have to balance the risks and decide on your own. I will say though – if you get it wrong and moving far away feels awful – you could always change your mind if you’re determined enough to get back, right? Best of luck and thanks for commenting! <3
Hi brooke. What advice would you have for a me. I’m in my mid 30’s stuck living with my toxic mother. I live in New Orleans my whole life but no matter how much I try I cannot get ahead here. Recently I got into a relationship with someone I’ve been knowing my whole life but she lives in kentucky. She has her own home and a great career. I have a 7 year old daughter who iam close to and I see a few times a week. Would it be selfish of me to want to move to kentucky and to try and start a new a better life there? I’m very torn right now because I feel wrong for feeling this way. Any advice would be huge.
Hi Frank, thanks for the note. Unfortunately, I don’t think I have any specific advice other than to make sure you aren’t making any decisions you would regret down the road. I know a parent’s relationship with their child is very special and should be prioritized, but it is also important to pursue the best version of yourself for your own happiness. I would just caution leaving to pursue a different life only to regret not having the relationship you want with your daughter anymore. In the last couple of years, we’ve learned that life is really about perspective. The idea of going somewhere new sounds like such a dream because it is exciting and fun, but if you can find a way to shift your perspective where you are currently at and find some things you can be excited for there (where you don’t have to feel bad for leaving your daughter), that would be the best of both worlds! Best of luck and prayers for you to figure something out! 🙂
We are currently in the process of moving to Maine and I felt your article very helpful. It’s hard…like a rollercoaster of emotions. I’m glad I’m not the only one who has ever done this! Thanks for your words ❤️
So happy our story could encourage you. Thank you for your note and best of luck!
Thanks for sharing your story. I moved away from my family on the east cost to attend college in the Midwest. I come from a tight-knit, traditional family who doesn’t necessarily understand why I attend school so far from home. As I inch closer to graduation I’m heavily considering staying out here in the Midwest and starting my life here. My family won’t be pleased with this but your story inspired me to do what’s best for me, and relieved a lot of guilt I have had about it. Thank you for that!
So glad our story helped, Danny! The good news is, you could always go back, but I think it gets harder to leave the longer you stay. But, if you do decide to go back one day after seeking your own path, at least it will be because you genuinely missed it and not just out of guilt. Funny enough, that nephew we miss so much is coming to visit us for a week this summer and it feels wonderful to be able to share our path with him. I think things have a way of working themselves out. You can definitely still love people from afar if you prioritize those relationships. Best of luck! -Brooke
Wow. I teared up reading this article because you put exactly how I’m feeling into words. I have never moved away from my hometown my whole life (even went to college in my hometown), and I’ve always had this restless feeling that my life was made for more. I’m a new mom, have infant nieces, and my entire family and husbands family all live in my hometown.. My guilt has held me back from the life I want for myself, my husband, and my child. I know my own family and husbands family will view this as selfish, but if I don’t make a move, I will never know awesome my life and relationships could have been. Thank you for writing this piece!!
Hi Katie, Thanks so much for writing this note! I hope you are able to do what is right for you and your new little family. We’ve made some pretty drastic moves in our life (currently nomads traveling full-time). And the good news is, you can always go back. That’s what we reminded ourselves each time. Your hometown will still be there. But, you can’t get back that time. And the longer you put it off, the harder it becomes to leave. We just wrote a follow-up to this piece with more lessons we’ve learned from moving away, since I get sooo many comments like yours: https://www.trailingaway.com/the-truth-about-moving-away Hope it provides some additional encouragement! Best of luck!
I needed to read this. I appreciate you taking the time to share this with us. This really made me feel better and gave me some ideas on how I can share my experiences with my family and 4 year old nephew who live in Colorado while I continue to explore and find a way for myself. Thank you so much!
So happy it was helpful, Tiffany! 🙂 Thank you for your note and happy travels! -Brooke
Brooke – awesome article! I came across this as me and my husband are contemplating a move from Chicago (where I am from) to Nashville for a different life. Only thing is… we have three small children! They aren’t yet really in the school system so we feel like if we are going to do it this is the time to go. For all of the reasons (and more) that you talked about in this article. BUT so many of your readers comments are from people that stayed to raise their kids and THEN left. I am being called “selfish” by family for wanting to move my small children away from cousins and grandparents. I DO believe in my heart that I am modeling for them that they can live their dreams no matter what they are. And I do firmly believe in the absence makes the heart grow fonder concept. But I still can’t help wondering if we would be doing them a disservice to leave all of our family before they are raised. As a parent should I just push on here in Chicago until they are 18 and then go live my dreams?? This feels like uncharted territory. I know their is no right or wrong answer but I am curious if you think having small children changes the dynamic of leaving one’s hometown?
Hi Terri, So glad you enjoyed the article! As for your question, since I’m not a parent, I don’t really have the life experience to give the kind of advice you are looking for. But, I do have a few thoughts to pass on – we always tell people “we could always go back” if they ask us if not having a traditional life scares us (we’re now full-time travelers). My question for you is, could you go back? Would it be worth trying it out to see why your hearts are pulling you to a new adventure together with the agreement that you’d move back if it doesn’t feel right after X amount of time? Also, are you always going to be upset because you feel like you sacrificed for your family or kids? That seems unfair pressure for them to make staying ‘worth it.’ And maybe your kids will one day be upset you didn’t move – maybe the cousins will annoy them and they will hate the weather there. Who knows! The thing is, staying or leaving won’t guarantee your happiness or health or success or that of your kids. You may end up with an even better support system in Nashville or no friends at all. No one can predict the future and there will be struggles either way. In my opinion, the situation (to move or not) is always the same. It’s not selfish to want a better life, to grow as a person, and want something more for your kids. Being selfish would be leaving your kids behind to go live in your dream city. You clearly are very concerned for them, so although I don’t know you, I doubt you are even close to selfish. I won’t tell you to go for it, because you have to decide if that is right. But, I have a feeling you know. Best of luck!
Im 19 and heavily considering moving back out of my hometown. I lived out of state for about a year and it was the happiest I’ve ever been. I moved back to my small town in Tennessee where my whole family lives and never plan to leave. Ever since I was young I always planned to move away. Definitely been looking for some encouragement to help me face the backlash of my family
Best of luck, Amy! I find it interesting that in a lot of other cultures, children are encouraged to go out on their own adventures and explorations to find themselves. In many places, a ‘gap year’ of travel after high school is standard because they know the value of learning to rely on yourself and get the opinions of other people from other places to expand who you are as a person. It’s sad that in the U.S. – especially more in the south, I think – this isn’t usually the case. I hope you are able to follow your dreams and that your family will surprise you and be supportive, but if not … that may help push you along your journey as well, since that’s no fun to be around.
I been wanting to move away for some years now. My home town is full of drugs, family on drugs and no opportunities to better yourself in the work environment. I graduated high school and graduated college for welding and still find myself not able to find a job. I have a son that’s 10 and don’t want to leave that I barely get to see on weekends. I been a weekend father all his life and want the best for him and mostly for me so I can be there for him. I’m homeless with no criminal record and want to move to a place with no family, with just my high school diploma and college certificate. I believe my life will be better but never really been on my own and never traveled. Any personal advice?
I always feel nervous about giving people advice like this, especially because I’m not a parent so I don’t know how moving would affect that relationship. You just have to use your own intuition and decide if you genuinely feel that moving is the right choice. If you go that route, I’d definitely advise trying to secure work first. The scary (and exciting) part of moving is all of the unknowns – so if you can figure out a bigger piece of the puzzle like work or a place to stay short-term while you get a job, it will help make it more manageable as you adjust to the other changes. Since you have a specific skill, it makes sense to me to search for places in need of that skillset as options to move to and make sure you don’t need any special permits to work in that state, etc. There may even be a Facebook group or blog for traveling welders! You’ll be surprised what you can find when you go searching for solutions – maybe even reach out to your college for advice. It’s great that you are trying to take control of your life despite the issues you’ve been faced with, too many people just roll over and stop fighting for a better life. I hope you keep at it and push through the difficult times. I think you’ll figure something out. Best of luck!
step out there on faith, pray and read your bible every day…ask the higher being/universe for guidance, favor, and protection
Thank you for sharing this! I really benefited from it. I’ve highlighted quotes and am bookmarking it for future tough days as an expat.
Much gratitude to you!
So happy it was helpful, Ellen! Thank you for the note.
Thank you for this. A little crazy my name is also Brooke and my husband and I are also moving to Colorado from a small town and moving away from my nephew has been a big concern. I took several screenshots and bookmarked this lol. You have no idea how much this helped my fears of moving.
Thanks so much for your message, Brooke! I am so glad this article was helpful. I really just wrote it as a way to process my emotions and put it out into the world unaware of how much it would help other people. It has been wonderful to get such a positive response and know my experience can help others go for their dreams. Best of luck! Hope you love Colorado as much as we did when we lived there! 🙂
This has hit home for me in a thousand ways. My husband who is from Montana moved to IL when he was in high school and when we first started dating he introduced me to Montana and I fell in love with it immediately. We decided to move there just this past spring, but the guilt I get leaving me newborn nephew was hard for me. I felt I owed it to my family to move back. So we did… and now we realize we can’t stay somewhere just because family is the only thing that makes us happy. Waking up to the mountains everyday made me happy as well. So now after moving back to IL after only a few months we’re moving back because MT feels more like home. You’re story has helped me in so many ways and I never have read something so relatable. I hope you and your husband have many great adventures out in Colorado!
Thanks so much for your note! So happy that you decided to do what felt best for you. I’ve considered moving back multiple times as well (especially with a brand-new niece & that same nephew entering difficult pre-teen years), but a few long visits have made me realize that – other than my loved ones – my hometown has nothing to offer me and I feel like a trapped animal there. Really excited for you and hope this second move to Montana will be a guilt-free awesome experience! Maybe one day, you’ll get to have him visit you and he’ll understand – we did this with our nephew last year and I think seeing snow, mountains, and wildlife made him really get why we left. 🙂 -Brooke
Hi Brooke,
Thank you for this article and sharing your personal feelings. This article was amazing and made me feel so much better about the emotions I am currently going through trying to move away from home to my boyfriends house who lives 2 hours away. My family makes it out to be like I’m leaving them forever and can’t see the bright side in it. I am bored being here and the only that guilts me in leaving is my parents. I always say to them if it doesn’t work out I’ll move somewhere else.. I need to go out on my own and start a new life without being controlled. The more they push me to stay, the more i want to go. I’m so glad I was finally able to connect with someone that validated my feelings. I pray that I am as strong as you to take the leap of faith. Please keep writing, I can’t wait to read more. Thanks!
Hi Jaclyn, Thanks so much for your note and happy this resonated with you so much. It still surprises me that I get weekly notes on this blog post from people who feel the same way. So sad that families can’t be more supportive of dreams due to their own fears or issues. I hope you can build a new type of relationship with your parents as you venture out on your own – one with healthy boundaries and less guilt! I’m sure they feel it is out of love, but I’ve been in your shoes and know it feels like anything but. Best of luck! Brooke
I’m about to move 17000 miles away from my family to move in with my boyfriend. We have been long distance our whole relationship and I love where he lives and my family is the only thing keeping me in my hometown. I am so scared about missing out on what they are doing and especially scared about missing out on my niece and nephew growing up. This has been the most helpful thing I’ve read regarding this transition in my life. Thanks for making me feel like my relationship with my family and friends won’t suffer over me trying to find a better life for myself.
So happy this helped, Emily! Best of luck on the new journey. We’ve learned that the little ones love postcards and little treats in the mail. 😉
While searching for articles on moving away from family and how to deal with all the emotions it stirs up, I came across this article, and in particular this comment. I’m moving 1700 miles away to finally live with my longtime boyfriend too. We’ve been in a long distance relationship for the entirety of our 4 year relationship. While, I’m excited to take the next step in my relationship and experience an iconic city, I’m sad to leave me niece and nephew and miss all the special moments in their lives. Just like the majority of commenters, I am feeling a mix of so many emotions; it’s very bittersweet. I keep reminding myself, just as the writer of the blog mentions, it’s ok to feel these things and remember you can always move back if it doesn’t work out. This idea, and knowing I’m not alone, has definitely been helpful to read as I make my move too. Thank you!
Thanks so much for your comment, Kristin! I’ve been so happy to see how much my blog post has helped others feel less alone during a challenging life change and that other commenters have been able to find a place to share their experiences! All the best, Brooke
Hey Brooke. I feel a lot better reading this. I decided very spontaneously to move to California (I’m from Illinois) next month to be with my boyfriend in San Francisco. My Mom and Dad who I’m very close to (and have lived with for 5 years after college now) are having trouble grasping it since it’s a big move for a relationship and a big move for me. I love california, and I love him, I’m just scared of missing out on them and the little things we did together like get coffee or lunch etc. I’m excited to start a new life there but I worry I chose to do it too quickly. If not now though – when? Staying in my small boring hometown has made me become bitter toward my job and life here because it’s not california. I really hope I’m making a good choice. I bookmarked this page. Thank you.
Oh but what a wonderful love story to tell if it all works out! 🙂 Sometimes the scariest things have the best pay off, in my experience. It will probably be a huge adjustment, but hope you love it and get to share it with your parents to make new special memories. Thanks for your note and so glad this article was encouraging. – Brooke
I am not guilty because this has always been my and my husband’s plan. I love it, though my siblings are accusing me of abandoning them and I realize it is their problem as they learn to adjust. We enabled them for too long.
Thanks for the article! It was very interesting and put a lot of things into perspective for me. My wife and I are seriously contemplating moving out of Colorado to either Montana or Alaska. My wife is fully committed but I have having a hard time getting on board. I’m feel bad about my Mom missing out on grandchildren (we want to start trying after our move, if it happens). She is not in a position to move herself and her husband in the way we are or else they may have followed. I guess my question for you is, “would having children of your own change your life style you currently live so your children and family can get to know each other?”
Hey Cody, That’s a tough one. We are not extremely close to our parents and decided not to have kids early on in our relationship, so I really don’t have any worthwhile advice on this to give. I think you’ll just have to really talk this through with your wife and see if there is some kind of way to feel better about it – maybe with a certain amount of budgeting and planning in order to have family visit or visit them often? Just write out all the pros and cons and talk openly about it and I’m sure you can figure something out. It seems like you have good things in store in both scenarios. 🙂 – Brooke
Wow this was really assuring to read! I too want to move away from my home town when I’m older, but starting a new life and leaving my family seems kind of daunting, but it’s nice to know that it doesn’t make me a bad person for wanting to move and that you’ve had such a wonderful experience since moving to Colorado .
Thanks for your note, Alex! Glad you enjoyed it. Moving away can definitely be scary, but also very exciting. 🙂
Hi Brooke.
I moved to Florida from WA three and a half years ago, leaving behind three of my children (in the caring and supporting hands of their father) to care for my dad who has recently passed. In those three and a half years I have remarried and have now twins which are 9 months old (my children back in WA are 13, 14, and 21). Now that my father has passed I have some serious decisions to make…stay and take over the estate or go home to my children ?
It doesn’t seem like that much of a decision…right? Well…I know going back is going to cause a real financial struggle. Can we handle it ?… But, do I leave a place that I have unintentionally made home ? Idonno. My children come every summer but I miss out on their day to day, their sports, birthdays, Christmas, etc. The crazy thing is that if I go back I’m not sure how big of a part I’ll be simply because they’ve adjusted to me living away. Then I think about the twins, do I put them through a change like this ? How about them missing out on their siblings or vice versa the older children missing them ? I’m so torn! Here in FL we have childcare, my husband and I have jobs, we have an estate that we can take over…oh my! In WA, I called to get childcare prices and was like…what?!?! With that being said we would more than likely have to go to one income (people do this all the time… I know, but I’m NOT a home body and have always worked and made way even with a household full of children) we would also have to walk away from the estate. If we stay in Florida I will probably always long to be back with my children, if we move back to WA I feel like I will carry around the “what if we stayed in Florida” time is of essence right now! We thought maybe just take a little time and feel it out but because we have to make a choice on taking over the estate we have to decide weather to stay or go.
Oh ya…so my husband…lol! I love him dearly but he doesn’t make decisions (really!?!?) yup he says “it doesn’t matter, what ever you want”…uhhh… okay well I WANT AN ANSWER…blah lol never mind babe I’ll figure it out.
Thanks for taking the time, even if no advice I feel better just getting it out.
Amsha, Thanks for sharing. Hopefully, it has helped you process this a little more by writing out some of what you are struggling with. Since we aren’t parents, it is difficult to put myself in your shoes. However, I still have moments when I consider just moving back to our hometown to see our nephews and nieces grow up, so I can imagine somewhat how hard that must be. I think finances really do make a huge difference in whether a move is enjoyable or not, but you also will never get that time back with your kids. My only advice is to think outside of the box and get creative! Maybe you can find a way to have someone manage the estate on your behalf, so you can still benefit from it? Maybe you could move within a few hours or even a day’s drive away from your kids in an area that isn’t as expensive? Maybe you just make your husband flip a coin, so he has to make a decision? haha Hope you are able to figure something out that you feel is a good fit for your whole family. -Brooke
Brooke…
Good for you! As a little girl, I’d sit at my bedroom window and listen to the distant traffic while dreaming of the places I’d go when I grew up.
Alas, life didn’t turn out that way and I still live close to where I was born.
It’s been a very good life yet there’s still a part of me that burns with a wanderlust that has never gone away.
So when the retirement bell dongs, hubby and I are selling the house, loading up the camper, hugging the kids and grandkids, and hitting the road; destination #LOOKFORAMERICA!
And the little girl in the mirror is sooooo excited!
Godspeed to you both…
Merry, Thanks for your lovely note. I’m very excited for you that the little girl in the mirror is getting her dream. I hope it is everything you imagine it will be! But it is even more wonderful that you have built such a beautiful life there that you will be excited to return to between adventures. 🙂 Happy travels and thanks again for sharing!
Thank you for this! My fiance and I are planning to leave hot, humid Texas for chilly Wisconsin. I’ve lived here for 28 years and I’m SO weirded out about leaving even though I’ve known in my heart that I have never wanted to live here forever. I am not a fan of the long drawn out summer, so I guess going to a long drawn out winter will be the exact opposite lol. I’ve always had a great relationship with my family, so leaving is really heartbreaking for me. I wish I could pack them up and bring them with me! With the pandemic, it makes future plans hard to predict so I’m trying to work with those emotions also. I know it’s best to just go one day at a time with these things, and that some days will just be better than others. “There is nothing wrong with wanting more joy.” 🙂 Thank you!
Hey Alex, Sorry for the delayed reply. So happy this article was relatable for you and hope it offered some helpful insights for your big adventure. It does really just suck that you can’t have both. I totally understand the struggle. But I hope you find lots of joy in Wisconsin and still feel connected to your loved ones from afar!
Thank you so much for posting this. I always seem to toil with my choice to leave home. It’s comforting to know that other people have felt the same and have the clarity and insight to inform others that it is not selfish. I’m so grateful for this post.
Thanks so much for your comment! It’s such a conflicting thing to deal with! You may have seen it already, but I also put together all my thoughts on this topic in book form here. It may have some more helpful insights to offer. Best of luck!
I just came across your article as I’m searching “dealing with the guilt of moving away”, and at times the homesickness I feel is absolutely shattering. I grew up in a small town in Aroostook County, Maine. When I say small, I’m talking absolutely nothing to do. I spent the last 22 years of my life here. The majority of the states residents are seniors or low-income residents. My boyfriend and I have been together 5 years and decided to move to Texas in early 2020. His parents had moved a year prior and we knew that there was no opportunity for us to grow in Maine. When I got to reading about your nephew, the same feelings rang true to me. This was extremely helpful & I don’t feel so alone anymore. Thank you!
I just came across your article, and I was compelled to post here. I moved out of my home state 15 years again for the man of my dreams. We are now married for 14 years. Now I am contemplating the possibility of an international move. My grandmother is 94, and my mom lives in the states. Do you think it is selfish to move to the other side of the world if it will bring you more possibility and joy? We have two sons. Thanks so much for your help!
Thank you for this article! I have been struggling to make the move to Colorado, it’s less money, actually a demotion, but I was absolutely mesmerized by everything there. I have this strong tug to move there, I’m searching for something and I’m not sure what. I just felt at peace there.
Hello Brooke , I find myself in your shoes. Moved continents to find myself , while I know I did the right thing , I still deal with sadness and guilt . But your words have helped me a lot , to see all this in a different light . “Cry the tears but don’t feel the guilt ” thanks a lot Brooke , thanks a lot !
as someone who plans on moving far away from family and hometown in their college years due to family drama and other issues (still in HS right now) this whole article (not sure if that’s the right word) really helped me. being where i am now is so cramped and depressing. i long for happiness and hope to get it. i hope to make my dream life a reality.
This is an article I could relate to, at least it’s something I had been through. I may be different from most posters on here since I’m fairly old (64). I have never been married and no kids. Between being 22 -32 I was off-and-on living with my parents and older single sister at the time. I had always enjoyed living on my own much better than living with my parents. Also I didn’t like the place where I came from.
At 32 I finally left for good and went over 3000 miles (from the northeast to southern California). I had lived in southern California before and liked it much better. WOW!, This is a whole half of my lifetime!
And now I’m feeling guilty that I had left. My parents and I had an understanding that they wouldn’t need me to take care of them when they got old. My sister did and my parents have long passed away by now. I don’t feel guilty by what I did. I’m feeling guilty because I feel like I’m being judged. I’ve had some health issues recently (though I’m alright right now) and it seems like my sister is in perfect health (well, maybe unless there’s something going on with her that she’s not telling me). It’s about a passage that I read that “if you take care of your elderly parents, you will live longer and healthier”.
It was never enjoyable living with my parents. They were always critical and controlling with me. It didn’t seem that way with them to my sister. My sister had wanted to be with my parents until the end. I didn’t want to and it seemed like there was no need for the two of us to take care of my parents. My sister had a husband to help, and unfortunately, my parents didn’t like him. Also my sister adopted two kids and my parents didn’t like them either.
This message resonated deeply! In 2014, I embarked on a journey to Phoenix, Arizona from Maryland/DC! I didn’t know anyone. But, the State’s Beauty spoke to my soul. The Sunshine, Palm Trees, Mountain View’s, Blue Sky and kind people! Arizona welcomed my 2 kids who were 3 and 11 at the time. My marriage was ending. My mom died 4 years prior. I needed to heal and breathe. Though, I have 3 siblings and lots of cousins, aunts, etc. Maryland felt like a familiar place, but not like Home! AZ’s dry heat welcomed us with open arms. We felt safe, happy and our days were fun filled with adventure. Then, in 2018, I visited my family in DC. I had so much fun! I began to feel lonely and was yearning for Community, Love & Support! I met someone during this vacation back home. The idea of him was everything I desired in a Man. The loving embrace I received from family and friends brewed inside and stirred up the idea that I should trade in my peaceful Arizona living and move back home! So, in 2019, I relocated back to Maryland. The Man I moved to be closer to was over me in 7 weeks! I was heartbroken to say the least. My family pulled on me and were no longer the family I created in my head of them to be. So much so, I ate Thanksgiving at a friend’s that year! I was sad! My heart ached for the Woman I was in Arizona. I was light and full of joy! I vowed not to lose myself here. My expectations led to massive disappointment. I gathered the pieces and found Joy within. You stated missing family is better than resenting them. I wholeheartedly agree. Currently, though I’m closer in proximity, my relationships with most friends and family are strained. The energy is heavy here. Trauma. I’ve sensed fallen in love with an Amazing Man who leads with loving kindness and understanding. However, I’m wrestling with moving to be in my happier place and staying here for him. He stated that our love doesn’t have boundaries & he wants me well. My kids miss Arizona. It was good to us. I do too. I know for Certain Living here doesn’t align with my spirit. I’m preparing to move back to Arizona where the mountains and desert living inspires me in August 2022 after a month’s stay in Mexico. Thanks for writing this blog. I was told I was selfish by so many. Coming back here confirmed I must continue to bask in what brings me Joy.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! And I’m happy to know I could offer some understanding and encouragement. Best wishes for lots of joy ahead! -Brooke
Omg! I needed to read your comment and this really helped a single mother like me. I’m so unhappy in my hometown and it’s hard to explain to family and friends. But you explained beautifully. I wish you and your kids the best!
Thank you so much for posting this. I really needed some reassurance. I’m coming to realize when I travel back to my hometown to see family during the holidays, feelings of guilt start to bubble up.
Omg!! I stumbled on this article and it really Blessed me. I’m in the process of making my first move out of my home town. Reading your articles about moving, has been the push and confirmation I needed. Thank you for letting God use you to share your story.
Thank you so much for your sweet note. I’m so glad it was helpful to you!
This is really beautiful, thank you writing it ❤️
I am so torn on whether or not to move back to Tennessee where I grew up…. I moved to South Carolina in 2013 to have a family with my child’s estranged father… It didn’t work out and in 2019 he threw us out for another woman… Im on disability and have struggled so bad these last year’s… I’ve never kept her from her daddy either… But my dad died in Oct if last year and he Left us enough money to finally buy a real home. In Tennessee I have my mom, other daughter, son, adopted parents, brother and sister in law, her cousins etc…. In SC all we have there is her daddy who she sees on weekends… His girlfriend had moved in and out 19x in 3 years… So when she’s there he don’t see our daughter as much… Girlfriend very very jealous of my child and me. I don’t want my child resenting me or hating me later by thinking I took her away from her daddy on purpose or out of spite…idk what to do… I missed out on 15 years of my sons life and 13 years of my daughters life already…. My daughter wants to live with me and her sister now… I don’t want to miss anymore birthdays or holidays…. What should I do and how should I talk to my 10 year old about this being best thing…. HELP IM SO CONFUSED…. THANK YOU… SUMMER ANFINSON
Hi Summer, Unfortunately, this isn’t a decision someone else can make for you. All I can recommend is just really thinking of what would be the best in the long-term and where you would all be able to thrive the most. If it were me, I’d pray about it and consider consulting a therapist to discuss the potential effects on the kids with each option. It sounds like a really tough situation and I’m sorry you are going through that! I hope you are able to make a decision that you are at peace with.
This article has helped me a lot with my decision to leave Georgia. The northern midwest has always had a place in my heart, but I’ve always felt selfish for wanting to leave. It doesn’t help that most of my family can’t grasp why I’d want to do something to “unstable” and abandon them. My family also seems to expect me to be on standby to take care of my great grandparents should they need it. I love them dearly, but I just have my own dreams and goals. Am I wrong for wanting this?
Thanks so much for sharing and glad the article helped. It’s definitely a hard thing to balance – wanting to chase your own dreams but be supportive of others. I do think it can be done though, even if it isn’t the ideal situation for other people in your life. Best of luck!
Hi Brooke,
I just wanted to say that finding this post and reading it really helped me and my current situation. Although some things are different, much of what I read I could sympathize with. I’m currently struggling to find peace between being with the one I love in a different city and being back home with my family. I can’t help but to feel sad about having to choose between these two. I miss my family, and as time goes on and I get older I think about my significant other and the family we could start. How my children won’t know my parents or my family the way my sister’s kids do back home, Visiting every other month for a weekend just doesn’t work for me. I can’t help but feel an emptiness inside of wanting to see them all the time. I’m currently trying to find solutions to please both ends of the rope I’m being pulled from. If you have any suggestions I’d greatly appreciate it. You’ve already been helpful by providing this blog and I’m going to print it and hang it by my bedside. To remind myself it will be okay, but sometimes it’s hard. Anyways, I’m not sure if you’ll get this but thank you for letting me express my feelings and letting me know I’m not the only one feeling this way, Hope all is well. Sincerely, Raven.
Thanks so much for your note! I’m glad to know this was encouraging. It is so hard to give advice on this since every situation is so different, but I hope you can find a solution that makes sense to you. I love my family dearly, but we didn’t have a tight-knit family situation when I left. My parents are divorced and holidays were always more of a hassle than anything else, etc. My nephew was the difficult one to leave for me since being present in his life was really important to me – and still is! But I knew in my heart I needed more than what my hometown could offer. Your situation does sound really different since you will miss the family time so much, so I’d encourage you to just trust your insights and maybe have a back-up plan as to what moving back would look like if you do decide to leave. Best of luck!
I agree with the author on some points, except not everyone can afford to travel where their children end up living and sometimes it is for health reasons too.
Also, right now everything is great, what happens if you need help, have a baby what then are your expectations? That is when things get dicey.
You will not have children maybe you will. Sometimes the far from home sibling gets jealous of the relationship the grandparents are able to have with the grand kids who live nearby.
As long as you realize the ramifications of your long distance relationship with your family over time and your moderate expectations of them, I guess it works.
Thanks for the note, Sydney. I definitely agree that this can be really different depending on the situation. When I wrote this a few years ago, it was to work out some emotions I had around wanting to chase my dreams but also wanting to stay close to the people in the city I wanted to leave. There is a guilt that is often pushed on the person who moves or they put on themself, which I think is unfair and that’s what I wanted to address. Life changes and priorities change as well, so it may make sense for some people to change their minds down the road. However, I don’t regret my move and think it can be the right decision in a lot of cases to make a change if someone has the pull for a different kind of life.
Been on the fence about this myself, live currently where my son has emotional bonds, but I’m miserable here and I feel guilty about wanting to move somewhere that was more suitable to my needs as well as has more programs for him. But the people close to him, make me feel guilty about such thoughts saying it’s selfish to my son. Your post though game me a bit of a boost that it’s not wrong to do. So thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m currently in a situation where I’ve been living at home with my parents for all 32 years of my life, but a once in a lifetime opportunity has come up to move a few hours away to be with a girl I love deeply. For the longest time I felt guilty about the thought of leaving my home and parents behind. Me and my parents even fought over it (because of distance and other too complicated to get into reasons) the first time I went to visit this girl. I love my parents and they love me, but I think I’m only now fully grasping how wrong they were to try to pull me back from a dream I was chasing rather than encourage me to fly. Reading stories like yours is helping me realize that it’s okay to go off on my own and live my life for me. And that it doesn’t mean I’m somehow betraying my parents. I know that when push comes to shove, they would be happy to see me flourish and find joy.
Thanks so much for sharing! It seems like you are getting some clarity for yourself on what’s next and I’m happy to help offer some encouragement. I hope it all works out how you are hoping and your parents are able to get excited for you also!
Hey, Im a Senior at the University of South Carolina… I moved an hour and a half away from my family in Charleston to try and become my own person and if god allows it a Lawyer. This is the year where I apply for Law Schools and there arn’t many good ones in SC, this has led me to look at different states … and this article is exactly what I needed to push myself to continue down my path. I fell horrible as it is living that far from my parents, being in a hispanic household family is very very important, but if I want to be an immigration lawyer and help my people out one day, I have to keep moving forward. Its going to be tuff being so far away from my family, especially my mother, but I think your right and I need to focus on the next chapter to not only better myself but be able to help my family money wise in the future. Thanks for this article, I needed to hear this.
So glad it could help! We are so lucky to be able to have access to things like video chat and accessible plane travel these days. It makes keeping ‘close’ even when far away much easier! Best of luck on the next part of your journey!
Thank you so much for writing this. We live in Texas, but we are tired of it. We homeschool the kids and I work remotely. We crave adventure! We want to move to Arizona and my husband got offered a job there. Struggling with the decision of leaving my parents behind. I have so much guilt for taking the grandkids away. We already moved once to Arizona for a year to help out my husbands family with some stuff and my parents gave me such a hard time. They begged me not to go, they cried, then my dad stopped talking to me. It was a whole mess. They said I was irresponsible and that I was not giving my kids stability. And the whole time I was miserable because I had them in the back of my head. We love Arizona, the mountains and all the adventures we can have around there. My oldest son loves Arizona and always tells me he wants to live there. Reading this has helped me realize its ok to do what is best for my family. Its hard to not feel guilt for leaving, but its okay to do what is best for us. Thank you!
I needed this article. I am currently struggling with the decision to move from WV to AZ. I have such a strong pull to be there, after only 1 visit, but the thought of leaving behind my grandparents, sister, nieces and nephew are very hard. I feel like I would be more myself living there, but I also want to make the right decision. Thanks for the article. It resonated with me and gave me more to think about.
What about that little sister that really needed you but you left her there to fend for herself in that abusive home? Was that not a little selfish or did you just not care because you were more important?
Hi Reni, thank you for your comment! There are definitely a wide range of circumstances and I certainly wasn’t claiming it would never be selfish at all. When I wrote this many years ago I was mainly just speaking to a specific group of peeople who struggled with similar unwarranted guilt as I had put on myself. This was really just meant as a way for me to work out my own thoughts and this post grew into a very popular piece in recent years – long after I even wrote it in my mid-20s after my first big move. Although, I certainly can think of some selfishly motivated reasons a person may move, in this specific example you’ve given, I personally wouldn’t even be quick to call that selfish because sometimes people do things out of sheer survival. As you’ve pointed out, I think it comes down to the reasoning … if someone is completely disregarding the needs and emotions of the people they love or have commited to care for, that’s pretty selfish, but if they think leaving is the only option for their personal safety/mental health or even to one day help the other person get out, that’s not so easy to point at as a selfish act to me. My main goal in this was to point out that calling someone (or yourself) selfish for chasing dreams that simply didn’t fit into someone else’s plans is unfair. Thanks for the opportunity to address this though! -Brooke
Oh that’s my family and I! I’m 42 and 7 months ago I moved with my husband and two kids from Ca. to Wa. I had lived in my hometown all my life (minus 5 years when I was away at college….where I met my husband who was from my neighboring county). We left family from both sides plus some good friends behind. But I’m so much happier in my new town. I can’t even feel homesick because my new town is so much better. It’s so green here compared to Ca. which seems to be stuck in a never ending drought. The traffic is lighter and since we aren’t no longer in a touristy beach town…we have no “tourist season” from May to Sep. where just going to Target to get some items for the home meant beach traffic and stress.
I was very anxious about making the big step and leaving the only state I’ve ever lived in but honestly we should have done this a long time ago. I just selfishly wish my old friends and family would come join us, because I really do miss them.
I loved this! I am NOT wanting to leave my 2 grandkids.
Age soon to be 3 and 5. I take them to church on Sundays. No one else goes. This has made me really want to stay near!
I appreciate reading your story sooo soooo much!
There is nothing that ties you to relatives. Just like we break the ties from our parents when we leave home. When we get married, a new seed is planted that results in a new tree. The whole genealogy business is nothing more than a way to keep yourself tied to old dying roots. A new root sprouts a tree that only branches so much. But every year, it drops new seed that sprouts into new trees. The only never-ending tree that all mankind belongs to is Jesus Christ.
I live in Texas. My husband (20) has lived in Oregon for 6 years. Just took a trip there and it feels like home. I’ve lived in Texas my whole life (18 years) and I’m ready to do my own thing. My husbands family is all split up, while my family is all in Texas. I would be the first one to move states in probably 40 years or more. My husbands dad kinda made his mom move around a lot from her family (kind of stealing her away from them), and I don’t want my parents to feel that way. I want to pursue marine biology, and Galveston is NOT the place to do that. Hopefully they will understand. Thank you for the amazing article!! I relate to the part about the nephew. I have an almost 2 year old nephew! I love him. It will be hard leaving, but it will be good for me and my husband.
So glad it was helpful to you! Thank you for your comment and all the best on your next chapter.
Thank you soooo much for this! It’s what I needed to read. I moved from Colorado to be near family five years ago. My daughter passed away in 2013 and in 2018 I went through a tough divorce. I needed to get away and restart. I moved to Minnesota and have spent the past five years healing. However, even though I love my family Minnesota is not for me. I’m a mountain girl like you and find peace and zen in high altitude. I’ve been very unhappy and unfulfilled since I’ve lived here. So I decided to move back. I’m a teacher which makes it easier to land a job. I’m excited to return but feel such guilt. And believe me a few family members are making it clear that I’m making the wrong decision! But I’ve been through so much loss that’s it’s time to do what’s good for me and brings me some joy. MN is only a 2 hour flight away!
Thank you for your guidance and support through this article!
So happy to offer you the support you were looking for! Wishing you all the best!